Dog Pile

Someone messaged me today.

They said, “…and I don’t know you from Adam but I see you going through it and you seem to maintain such positivity. And I need that.”  Here’s the truth and I’ll be super blunt.

Just yesterday I wanted to eat a bullet.

My heart bleeds, man. I have a beautiful daughter and I could NEVER leave her.  I love her so much that I would never want to hurt her but that thought kept creeping in…and to top things off, it was National Suicide Awareness Day….I mean…(insert eye roll here).

Things were consuming me and I’m tired and I want a break. I want MORE than a break.  I want life and I want to thrive.

A bullet won’t give me any of these things…and more importantly, a bullet would take away any chance of ever living and thriving.

So I texted someone. I texted a short text that ended with “I won’t do anything to myself but I am not sure why I am even alive.”

She called me. We spoke on the phone for over an hour and a half.  She countered lies that my mind was telling me.  She countered lies that others have told me.

She spent her time building me up and encouraging me.  The conversation started off with me sobbing uncontrollably and ended with me laughing and cracking jokes.

My point…”Your words are so powerful that they will kill or give life…” – Proverbs 18:21.

I have a propensity to be optimistic. I was born this way. I am usually a super positive person and spend a major part of my day verbalizing my gratitude for whatever comes to mind.

HOWEVER… Let me paint you a picture:

When I was younger…much younger, I remember playing in the front yard of my grandma’s house. A bunch of my cousins where there. We were playing football, American football…tackle.  I was probably between 8-11 years old. I was somewhere in the middle of all my cousins.  There were a lot of older cousins and a lot of younger cousins.  I remember getting the football and running hard towards the end zone.  We were laughing and having so much fun.

And then I was tackled.

That tackle turned into the biggest dog pile. When I landed, my head had rolled where my chin was on my chest. I was on my stomach with the ball under me. I felt a pull in my neck and back. My face was smashed into the ground and I couldn’t breathe.  My cousins kept piling on. No one was being malicious. We were playing. I remember, for the first time in my life, a fear that I was in real trouble.  I was trying to scream but I had no air in my lungs.  My mouth was filled with dirt and grass; my body was crushed under the weight of my cousins.  And it kept going.

I couldn’t move and was trying desperately to let someone know that I needed help. I remember closing my eyes and hearing my cousins screaming and laughing.

I started going dim.

Finally, someone else got hurt and was able to communicate that with a bellowing scream. People started rolling and climbing off.  At this point, I remember thinking that it didn’t matter. I could feel some relief but it wasn’t going to be in time. The final kid rolled off and I couldn’t move. Someone grabbed me and rolled me over. I remember having tears but not being able to cry out. One of my older cousins slapped me so hard in the face to try and get me to take a breath in and it worked.

I cried.  I cried hard.

When you’re overwhelmed, it’s like being at the bottom of that dog pile. And it keeps going. It’s stress, it’s lies, it’s lack, it’s a broken heart…and everyone around you is still living.  You’re in the middle of it and everyone is still having fun…but you’re dying.

 “…and I don’t know you from Adam but I see you going through it and you seem to maintain such positivity. And I need that.”  Well…I have shit days. BUT, I learned that words, MY words, YOUR words, can destroy or build. SO...when I “seem to maintain such positivity”, it’s because I am building. I am building something for me to lean on. I am building something to shelter me. I am building something that is healthy. Sometimes, it’s a slap in the face that forces me to take a breath and sometimes it’s a meme that is SO freaking funny that I can’t help but crack up laughing.  Social Media is just one of those places that allows me to share good, uplifting, positive words.  SO, no, my life is not perfect. Just like everyone else, I’ve been on the top of the dog pile and I’ve been breathless at the bottom.  We all have shit days. I choose to do my best to speak life and speak hope into our lives.

We are powerful creatures. Our words are powerful. The tongue can speak words that bring life or death. Those who love to talk must be ready to accept what it brings.

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Build.

It's Time!

***UPDATE*** June 22, 2018

This trip has been sidelined for us.  We still plan on going sometime in the future but with any co-parenting team, when one parent isn't ready, you have to honor that and trust for future adventures to be better than ever imagined.

It was never an issue of whether or not I wanted to travel the world and change people's lives for the better.  It was always whether or not I was welcome.  I've had to rely on my faith and believe that timing is everything.  For the last couple of decades some things needed to take place before the cosmic tumblers locked into position.

I adapted.  Learning to adapt is just one of the greatest gifts I've been given and it serves me well...but I was never fully happy.

So...for the most exciting news in our little family of 2...I am welcome.  I am welcome to be a part of something greater.

Buck and I have the absolute honor to be a part of a team headed to Tanzania this summer.

We will be working with 2 organizations. Asking for the Nations, an organization focused on helping the people of Tanzania and more pointedly, the orphans in the country of Tanzania.  They have partnered with Pastor Mramba to help purchase land, build a church, and build an orphanage to house the orphans and street kids of the country. The second organization is Giving Hope for Tomorrow.  This group will organize a 3-4 day medical clinic during our trip. This will provide free medical care to locals including the Maasai tribe! We are currently looking for a dentist and an eye doctor to go on the trip with us. They do not have to stay the entire 10 days unless they want to. They are welcome to come for the medical clinic portion only. Please help us by asking people you know! 

This summer, July 20-30 2018, Buck and I will travel with this incredible team with the goal to begin building the church and work on building relationships with the orphans in the town of Moshi.  

Moshi is a town in northern Tanzania, near the Kenyan border. It's known as a gateway to Kilimanjaro National Park, home to Africa's highest mountain, Mount Kilimanjaro. Trails run up the mountain’s cloud-ringed, snow-capped dome, through alpine forests and meadows home to elephants and leopards. One of Tanzania's major coffee-producing hubs, Moshi is known for its coffee farms and auctions.

To be a part of this great adventure, partner with us by clicking the donate button above. 

We are so grateful for your support and generosity.  All donations are tax-deductible!

When making a donation, please type our name (Buck and/or Angel) in the"Add special instructions to the seller:"section.

The cost of the trip is $3500.00 per person.  This covers everything for the 10 day trip except personal spending money.  Any money raised above this amount will be used for mine and Buck's suggested travel vaccinations, supplies, and gear.

Payment schedule per person:

• November 5, 2017 - $300 (non-refundable deposit)
• January 1, 2018 - $1000
• March 1, 2018 - $1000
• May 1, 2018 - $1200

If you have any questions about the trip, please feel free to drop us a line on our contact page. 

John Legend Saves The Day.

So...maybe it's me getting older.

I have always seen myself as a hopeless romantic.  A believer in storybook romance and star-crossed lovers.  Now...at 40, not so much.

I think it exists.  But it exists in the ways that people are born into extreme wealth or geniuses or prodigies.  It's not for all of us AND it's rare.

For most of us we have to bust our asses just to keep our existence together.  Life's curve balls are more like sucker punches to the groin.  You must become a champion of quality time and you fight. You fight for your spouse.

One of the most difficult things to watch is my friends and family go through a break up or a divorce.  It's hard to watch the relationship deteriorate.  It's hard to watch one spouse harden their heart or not believe that the sucker punches are hitting while the other spouse quietly grieves the death of their relationship.

Watching someone close grieve the loss of their spouse is gut-wrenching.  It's one of the loneliest things I have even seen.  The one person they had to rely on, to lean on during such an intimate loss is the one who is "gone".

Today while sitting at my desk I was listening to some random playlist on Spotify.  John Legend's All of Me started playing.

What sappy lyrics.

Here's the chorus:

Cause all of me Loves all of you Love your curves and all your edges All your perfect imperfections Give your all to me I'll give my all to you You're my end and my beginning Even when I lose I'm winning Cause I give you all of me And you give me all of you.

But here's the deal...it's a beautiful song.  I've heard it a million times probably.  Today though...today I HEARD the lyrics.  And as silly as it may seem, I am falling back into love with the idea that romance exists.

So...if you're struggling with the belief that romance exists here's John Legend and his song All of Me.  Someone somewhere felt these words enough to write this song.  Someone. Somewhere.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=450p7goxZqg

How my Strength caused My Paralysis.

We all want to be strong. Right? Am I right for thinking this way?It seems that we all have a desire to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and/or spiritually strong.  Most of us anyway.  For me, it has always been important to "have a good head on my shoulders".  I have modeled my life around being as diplomatic to situations as I can possibly be...sharing multiple points of views and relating to many sides of the story.  I grew up this way. I was the first born child in my household and had a very strongly opinionated and hard working mother. It became necessary to understand that there were more sides than just 2 to any given story at any given time. I had to take on the task of being "momma" while Momma was at work and also act as liaison and advocate for my siblings once Momma came home because ultimately she was the final authority in all things.

Momma taught us that we were leaders. Momma taught us that we were strong.

What happens when it all backfires?

I've shared before that we were exceptionally poor. Growing up in a house that had only one room...just a box that we played in, slept in, and ate in. No electricity or running water.  I know that all we wanted was to escape.  For a couple of my siblings, their escape was writing.  For me, my escape was physical and the moment that I met someone who told me I could do it...I did it.  I left.

I was ushered into a life of travel and I LOVED it.  I also loved the idea of helping people. I had already "roughed it" most of my life so to travel to 3rd world countries to help build sewer systems or water towers to help others seemed like a dream.  I was introduced to an organization that honed in on my eagerness to lead and my desire for traveling.  At this point, I knew what it was that I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  What I didn't know was the power that had tapped into me.

It was January of 1993. I had been groomed to attend what was called a Discipleship Training School.  To most Christians, the title of the school seems harmless enough and looking back on most of my training, it was really an amazing school.  We learned about diplomacy, public speaking, travel, working and living communally. We learned about humility and patience...it was a very hippy-esque school but I liked it and this lifestyle liked me too.

Here's the rub.  See, in all of this, we were getting ingrained to learn a school of thought about chain of command. I had already gotten a good grasp of this while living at home but here at the school, I was one of the younger and newest recruits.  I had MANY people to answer to and many voices to obey.

Head down...don't ask questions.

It's so weird to type this out.  My memories of this time in my life carry a desperation and it's hard to know that I was so easily paralyzed.

We lived a very strict life.  We couldn't do much without the consent of our leaders. We couldn't go home to visit family, we couldn't choose the jobs we wanted, we couldn't date, we really couldn't do much of anything...unless we had the approval of our leadership. To this day, it's still hard for me to see that this WASN'T ok.

I was considered one of the "rebellious" ones. Not so much because I rebelled but because I followed questionable orders with a grimace on my face.  Trust me, I get protocol.  I get the need for a chain of command.  However, I didn't understand why I needed to be told what to wear, how to wear my hair, who I could date, what I could do with my leisure time, who I could and couldn't be friends with, when or if I could leave the base to visit my family...and on and on and on.

We weren't a military base.  We were a Christian organization of missionaries and our leadership had overstepped it's boundaries from leading to controlling and I had been brainwashed.

I had been brainwashed.  I had been brainwashed.  I had been brainwashed.

Here's the deal.  Before I left for missionary school, I had been treated for homosexuality.  That's right, I was gay and had been put through a gay to straight program.  I was told that in order to fulfill my "life calling" I could never act on my homosexual tendencies and in order to learn to be straight, I had to listen to and do everything I was told or I WOULD FAIL.  I would fail at life, fail my family, fail my God, fail at being a leader, fail at being strong.  So... I did what I was told.  I obeyed.

After living in this cult type atmosphere I started to test the waters. I had climbed the ranks in the organization, so to speak, and decided to act on an attraction I had towards another girl in the organization. After a few weeks, our relationship was exposed to the leadership and after 2 years of blindly following their every dictation, including a humiliating "outing" to the entire organization, we were sent home packing.

Photo Credit: Yannick Bouchard

Have you ever witnessed someone experiencing drug withdrawals or someone grieving?  Writhing in pain, unable to think, unable to breathe, unable to sleep, unable to bear being alive.  This is what it was like for me.  Everything that I had built my life around and for was taken away.  And it was easy for them to do so.  I thought at this moment that I had forever ended the life I was meant to live.  I was back to square one.

The very thing that I had strived to leave behind...the very thing I had desired to escape became me, once again. I was an outcast.

And still I longed for the escape. I longed to travel and to help people and I longed for the only way that I had learned to do so.

After being relieved of my position, I agreed to complete another gay to straight program in fear that I would never fulfill the purpose God had for my life.  And really, when you're in that situation, your only thought is do what you're told or give up living all together.

So...I did it again. I obeyed.

It's been over 20 years since that journey began.  And since then, I have battled the resentment, the failures, the damage, the brokeness.  Sadly, it wasn't until today that I realized how much of my life has been affected by what happened during that time in my life.  I still struggle with confidence and standing up for myself.  How do I recover when the desire to be strong backfires? How do you trust yourself to have the ability to make good decisions?  How do you trust yourself to trust the right people?

I have recently stepped back into my career of public speaking. It has been nearly 10 years since I stood in front of a crowd and shared my heart.  I was all but banished from the arena of public speaking in the way that I have always known it. But today, I refuse to count myself out.  I refuse to give up my dreams.  I refuse to be told that I am broken.  I refuse to believe that I have nothing to offer.  My story may not line up with yours. You may not give two cents about anyone who is gay or their journey.  You may have never been so low in your life that you allowed someone from the outside to paralyze you.  I don't know. But what I do know is that there is someone out there who needs to hear that someone else knows what they are going through.

I will be your someone else.

I have decided that I will be vulnerable by my own volition. I will share my heart again and I will help people again.

I speak on these very topics of Shame, Guilt, Vulnerability, Poverty, and Overcoming Gay Reparative Therapy.  If you have an event that would benefit from these talks or an event that would welcome these discussions, please contact me at Angel Adams Media Services.  And please share this with others...My heart is that no one be paralyzed by someone else's doing.  We are supposed to be free. We are supposed to be different.  We are supposed to be strong.

Be strong, my friends.

ANGEL'S HALL OF FAME: My ever growing list of kindness.

Here it is...the announcement of the day.  Hold on to your butts...it's a doozey.

I'm not perfect.

There it is...in all its glory.  Announcement #2?  I don't know how to spell "doozey" but...well...hopefully, you get what I'm trying to say.

I have been reminded everyday how blessed I am despite my awkward existence.  Last week I was reading posts about one of my unwitting music mentors, Amy Grant, releasing a new album next month ("How Mercy Looks From Here" will be available May 14).  This of course, reminded me about the time my sweet friend, Eric worked diligently with my friend Lionel to arrange a meeting with Amy.  A meeting that was so surreal and meaningful to me that even today, I can not be reminded of it without having to wipe a "happy" tear from my eye.  I am so grateful for the thought and work it took to make that moment happen.  I thought about Amy and her music.  Her strength...that pulled me out of dark and sad times during my childhood.  I know that I've said this before but to see a woman so young writing and commanding a stage...it changed my life.  It changed my direction.

straight ahead

I will be ever in debt to my friend Angela Calhoun for introducing me to "Angels Watching Over Me" and the Straight Ahead album. :)

This led me on a two week course of gratefulness and reflection.  Something that I have spent hours a day on as of late.  The more I got to thinking about how blessed I am, the more faces I could see.  People who have impacted me in such great ways.  People who pushed me to be better and raised the bar of compassion, intellect, thoughtfulness, and encouragement, the list is infinite.

From arranging lifetime meetings, buying cribs, car seats and stollers, replacing stolen Christmas money so I could buy my daughter's first Christmas gifts, hugs and laughs, unexpected letters of encouragement, kicks in the ass that I really need, a surprise coffee, smiles galore at just the right time, a look in the eye that says, "you can do it", a job, Facebook messages that say, "you're better than that.", teachers who make leaving my daughter every day just a little bit easier, French lessons just because, to cleaning my backyard because it looks like a ghetto zoo exhibit <<<yes, that's true, and did I mention laughs?  Your random and not so random acts of kindness and genuine love for me and my family have built a better human being.  Not quite a bionic Jaime Sommers but SUPER close.

And do you know what I love about these people?  If any of them were to read this, they would ask themselves how they got on this list.  These are the humans that act out of goodness.  They show selflessness and without a thought of what anyone else may think,  they just do because they can.

hall of fame

Vicki Peters, Steve and Lori Nance, Michelle Davis, Eric Himan and Ryan Nichols, Erika Hardin and Natalee Pendergraft, Julie Nikel, Lionel Vargas, Stephanie and Joe Christiansen, Cheryl Lawson, Michael and Catherine Ray, Barb Hauxwell, Joel and Kelly Russell, Stacy Acord, CC Lawhon, Kristi Perryman, Virginie Gill Dejour, Staci Walkup, Michael Shoopman, Travis Jackson, Howard Stump, Jessica Butchko, Billy Sauerland, Steven Nix, Kimi Hann and Chris Lieberman, Miranda and Phil Kaiser, Missy Wilson, Chrystal Kelly, Betsy Chase, Courtney and Casey Nichols, Michael and Amanda Mitchell, Janice Sawatsky Sahr, John and Jane Ray, Rebecca Smith, Deke Coop, Stephanie Schrepel, Caleb Taylor, and Jennifer Jako.

To my Hall of Fame:  You have been rocks to lean on and hands to pull me up.  You have been a crutch, a counselor, a clock, a mirror, a party, an icepack, a rope, a map, a compass, a hope, and my teacher.  I have been changed forever (for the good) for knowing you.

Thank you all for your compassion, kindness, and grace. You give me courage and I will never be able to adequately thank you...but it's a start.

MY terrifying reality of "in-laws".

in-law (nlô)

n. A relative by marriage.

I was sharing a funny story today about the video below with a friend of mine and some of the details were about a drive from my house to my in-laws house...which is a pretty good distance.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Lug_IxFKo8]

Now, I know that when I say "in-law", we all get different pictures in our heads and we've all had quite a bit different experiences as well.  There are jokes galore.

A lot of us have heard the term, "Monster-In-Law" and most of us have seen the movie Meet the Parents.  We get that there's been some less than stellar relationships out there.

So...my story.

I actually have amazing in-laws.  I'll admit that it was a bit rocky at first.  Their eldest daughter comes out of the closet and reveals that she is gay AND is in a relationship with yours truly.  We had our moments as everyone was evolving to this revelation and the true reality of who my partner is...

It's 6 years later and I look forward to the times that I get to spend with them.  They treat me as one of their own and I am humbled and blessed to call them my family.

As I was thinking about all of this and in light of the 2 cases that the Supreme Court of the United States, I came to a terrifying reality.

THEY ARE NOT MY IN-LAWS.

My partner and I are not married.  I've called them my in-laws for years now...it's what everyone understands...it's our social indicator, our culture.  When referring to our spouse's/partner's/husband's/wife's family, they are our in-laws.  These are the words we use but by the very definition they do not represent my relationship with my partner's family.  This was a sad moment for me.  I want to be able to call them my "in-laws" and what its very definition means - a relative by marriage.

With all of this rolling around in my head, it all became clear to me.  Marriage Equality isn't about religion, pro-creation, science, politics, or even love.  We don't say, mother-in-religion, father-in-science, sister-in-love. We say IN-LAW.  Marriage is about protection.  Protection under and by the law.  That's what I want.  That's what I want for me, my partner, my daughter, my sisters, my brother, my parents...and my in-laws.

It's not just about me and my partner...this is about my family.

The Love part?  Well...it's a bonus.  A great and wonderful bonus.